Stop snickering.

I’ve decided to cover another early arcade-style title today, one with major historical significance.

Nuts & Milk – Hudson Soft – 1983

Given how Nuts & Milk looks and sounds, you’d be forgiven for thinking that it came straight from the mind of Shigeru Miyamoto himself, but this one’s not by Nintendo. It’s by Hudson Soft. Not only that, it was Hudson’s first Famicom game ever, and the first third-party game released for the console. Talk about a historic piece of software.

You play as the adorable little pink blob with googly eyes and little feet, Milk. Milk’s equally adorable fiancee, Yogurt, who looks just like him aside from the twin hair bows and eyelashes (they kind of have a Pac-Man/Ms. Pac-Man thing going on), is trapped in a house, and he must gather all of the fruit in the stage to open the house, then work his way to said house to get her. But Yogurt’s captor, Nuts (who looks just like Milk but is blue), isn’t going to let Milk get to her without a fight. He relentlessly stalks Milk through each stage, and is sometime joined by more Nuts.

There are so many jokes I could make here…

Anyway, as if the game wasn’t weird enough, helicopters and blimps will fly by. Milk can jump on the helicopters for points, but the blimps will kill him. So will falling in the water at the bottom of the screen. On the plus side, if Nuts falls in the water, it will take him out for a few seconds, which can be a help if you need to get a piece of fruit that he was blocking you from. On top of that, occasionally fireballs (similar to the fireballs from Mario Bros.) will appear. Avoid those at all costs.

Milk gets around by jumping and climbing on chains, similar to the ones from Donkey Kong Jr. There are also strategically placed springboards as well. The screen wraps around too, so Milk can exit either side of the screen and appear on the opposite side. However, Nuts is equally skilled at climbing and jumping, and he will pursue you no matter where you go. He’s like the Terminator, if the Terminator was a cute blue blob with huge googly eyes.

Every third stage is a bonus round, where you must gather fruit and get to Yogurt before the time runs out. Succeed, and you’ll get a screen showing them standing in a heart-shaped field of flowers, with a giant heart above them. In a surprising change, Nuts & Milk isn’t just played for score. At the end of stage 50, the game ends. The ladders and platforms in that stage even spell out the words END.

That’s Nuts & Milk in a nutshell (pardon the unintentional pun). If you love the golden age of arcade games, it would be worth your time to check it out. Until you can… how about checking out a longplay?